it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize