She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
