I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
