Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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