I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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