Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
