when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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