she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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