I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
