Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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