Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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