i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize