Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
