Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
