Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
