I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
