i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize