So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
