yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
