he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
