he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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