I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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