I am spending my child support on dildos
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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