After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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