Swine flu is the new snow day.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
