She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
