Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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