I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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