He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
