I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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