Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize