omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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