You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
