I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
