I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
