I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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