she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
