Kiss
Puke
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
