im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
