The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
