I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
