Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
