he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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