whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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