My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She told me I should be a condom model.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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