I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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