she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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