If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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