I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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