Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize