so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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