I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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