The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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