Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
