Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
