Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
