This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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