you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Randomize
