I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
