You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
