Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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