Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
