I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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