you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
