Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
