The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
