I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
