New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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