I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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