Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
