I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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