Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize