Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
