Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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