You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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