You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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