I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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