I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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