Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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