You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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