Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
