drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
